Awhile back I shared that I turned over a new leaf of sorts. That was, wow, three weeks ago—so I thought I’d report back.
Last January I signed up with Weight Watchers. I got tired of the pounds creeping on, and figured since everyone swears it works and it sounded like a healthy approach, I spur-of-the-moment-like started an online membership thing for $16 odd bucks a month. In retrospect, that might have been a mistake, because that lasted oh about three days. And I’ve been paying for it ever since. I guess I just wasn’t ready in more ways than one.
When I decided to get healthy a few weeks ago, I realized I really didn’t know jack shit about eating properly. I was looking for a way to incorporate healthy, nutritious foods into my diet for energy and healing purposes as well as learning how to control my weight. At the urging of one of my friends (who I just ran into after several months and who lost at least 20 pounds apparent just by looking at her), I decided to give WW one more try.
Maybe because I’ve given up so many of my bad habits (ok, addictions—smoking, junk food, sitting on my ass too much with no exercise, too much alcohol and caffiene), I needed to bring something like this into the mix. Something I could get fixated on. Counting points once seemed overwhelming, now it’s become an obssession.
See, I am an addictive personality, no question about it. Luckily, I never tried cocaine or heroine or anything like that, because I’d probably be a junkie by now. I get addicted to other things, mental things mostly, and those things come and go in waves: politics, reading literature, teaching myself new things (learning to speak Spanish, to draw, to play chess, to decorate on a budget, whatever).
Over the years my attention to my health & wellbeing has also gone in waves. At times I’ve been obsessed with exercise and eating right. Other times I just let it go and focused on other things, or I let it go because I’m “going through a rough patch” and dealing with life stuff. Depression I guess, which has also come and gone in waves over the years.
There have been times in my life that I achieved a balance. Where I wasn’t obsessed with anything good or bad, just concerned with keeping the balance. Setting priorities and making time for the important things or even just the little things. I’d take a break in the middle of my workday to go catch an art class, a dance class, to get a manicure or an eyebrow wax, or to workout with a trainer at the gym. I didn’t sit at my desk for 12 hours a day, but I’d make “dates” with friends to have lunch or wine therapy. I would buy myself nice clothes, something that seems so basic to so many people—but to me, it’s an effort. I consider such things “pampering” and self-indulgent. Maybe it’s because I had a very self-sacrificing mother, but I’m not going to complain about that.
I’ve been very proud of myself in the last few weeks. I’ve been trying not to be obsessive about Weight Watchers, but rather, to invite it in as a new part of my life. Something I have both positive and negative feelings about (ok when can I stop feeling so damned hungry 24 hours a day is what I’d like to know!), but something that I just accept. It must be a plan I can live with for the long haul, because by now you’ve probably figured out that if I go on a diet, I can make the weight come off, no sweat. All I need to do is set my mind to it and get obsessed. But achieving health and maintaining it, well, that’s a much much longer road for me.
And working out. That’s something that I have an extremely difficult time not getting addicted to. I’ve always been the “work out 7 times a week or zero” type gal. You may ask why the hell I don’t just “go with the healthy addictions and embrace them”—but remember, I’m trying to avoid the all or nothing. Life ebbs and flows, and I want to be prepared for those times when things get rough, so I don’t find myself with the “nothing” and have to fight my way back again. I have these strong temptations to work out several times a day, it’s that addictive gene. But I’m trying to remember that even the healthy things I must moderate. Right? At least I think that’s what I should do.
My first weigh in reflected the past year; I had gained 13 pounds. That’s about one pound a month for all those months I paid the bill and didn’t take advantage of the program. In the last weigh in, I lost five. In two days, I have another weigh in and it’s looking like I’ll be down another couple of pounds.
Such a small success, but it’s got me feeling like I can conquer the world. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt in balance even a little bit, and these few pounds make me feel so in control of my life. It ripples into every other part of my day, and I have to say, I like the way that feels.
