Chepooka

They say it’s “just a dog”

Hi (Lady who selected me to adopt Tucker),

It is with a heavy heart that I write this email, but you deserve to hear it from me. Let me say first that Tucker is ok and everybody is ok.

Tucker had his follow up appointment with Dr. (Holistic Vet) on Monday and the prognosis was grim. Tucker did not respond to the supplements as much as the doctor would have liked. (Agency Lady)was there and they both agreed he looked much worse.

My understanding from our first visit to Dr. (Holistic Vet) was that this is not a quick fix, that it would take time. (Agency Lady)said afterward, “it’s not a life or death situation” which was comforting because I was bawling my head off at the time. I felt like I was doing something wrong. But I put my optimistic hat back on and decided to give patience a try.

I didn’t really see the reality of the situation until Monday in that moment back at Dr. (Holistic Vet)’s under the bright lights of the examination room. Or probably more like it, I just didn’t want to face the reality of the situation until that point. I had been blaming his recent haircut, that it was “just cut too short”, that “he’ll look better when it grows back in just give him time” I thought. It seemed like his hair was filling in around his eyes, but maybe that was a figment of my imagination. I was so blinded by my hope for him that I did a tremendous disservice to him by not being completely objective. I asked other people if they felt he was getting better and they were clearly not objective either.

Dr. (Holistic Vet) took one look and said there was nothing he could do, that Tucker needed to go back to Dr. (Vet Skin Guru) , the skin specialist. That if we were in another state, he would say take him to a university, but that we were lucky we have Dr. (Vet Skin Guru) here in Anchorage. He said that he has seen worse cases, but not many, and if anybody can help, she can.

It was in this conversation that I finally understood the gravity of the situation, I only wish somebody had explained that to me before. How very naive of me to think that a little hair loss and dandruff flaking and the occasional scratching fit was not a matter of life or death. He said that a skin condition like Tucker’s is akin to a chronic pain in humans. That he is in constant discomfort and suffering and that without improvement, dogs in some cases like this needed to be put down.

I had no idea, this was a horrifying concept to me. I had no idea that he was in so much constant misery. NONE.

This explained so much of what I have been living with the last few months. Tucker has spent a lot of time curled up in my closet or in his crate, and I misinterpreted the reason for that. I thought he needed time and patience and love and good nutrition and walks and eventually he would grow stronger and healthier. I knew he wasn’t a normal dog, that he wasn’t 100%. He did not do normal dog things like behave like a rascal, beg me to go outside for a walk or wag his tail when I came in the door. He was not energetic and playful. Perhaps he was at one point in time but that deteriorated after he came with me? I don’t know. I’m getting all kinds of flashes of reality on this now.

Now I know that he was most likely miserable and getting worse as time went on. The doctor said that this dog was behind the 8ball when I got him, that it’s not anything I did. (Agency Lady)expressed similar sentiments. But they are of very little comfort to me.

I understand that Tucker has health problems that reach far beyond me. I did my very possible best to learn as much as I could and to try everything and anything within my power to make him better. But I feel I failed and feel responsible nonetheless.

(Agency Lady)has been there every step of the way on this and you should know that it’s clear that she was not pleased that Tucker was placed with me when he was. That has always made me extremely uncomfortable.

I asked her to remain involved (she asked if I wanted her to I said yes) because that was what was best for Tucker. Truth is, who was I to turn down another advocate for Tucker? He needed that.

But that has been a hard situation. The continued involvement has been extremely stressful. Part of me felt that this wasn’t a dog I could make decisions for. If I did make decisions they were the wrong ones. I have shed many tears and lost many hours of sleep, but I’m beginning to realize that couldn’t have been avoided no matter what. I fell in love with a little puppy that is chronically ill.

Yesterday, I expressed to (Agency Lady)my firm belief that at the time he came to me, you had every reason to believe that Tucker was out of the woods and would only get better. That a loving home would only help. That there were the very best of intentions on everybody’s part, but it just is what it is. I acknowledged that I don’t have her experience and probably made a mountain of mistakes (in her eyes), I said that maybe he would be fine and recovered today if he never left her house. But who could ever have predicted what would follow? We all did our best for him. It just is.

I think she understood what I was saying, I’m pretty sure she did.

Ok, back to Tucker ...

So the Doctor said that I am facing a very long and difficult road ahead. Once outside, (Agency Lady)pulled me aside and told me what to be prepared for. She told me how expensive the specialist was, how expensive the likely treatment is, and asked if I am prepared for that? Hundreds and thousands of dollars and quite a large time commitment with an uncertain outcome. She then offered to take him back into (Adoption Agency) where they could raise money for him.

In a humiliating moment I had to be honest. I have health bills that I struggle to stay on top of, I make payment installments on them. I have prescriptions that are expensive that sometimes I just go without. I make these choices for myself but I could never choose to give less than the best care possible for Tucker. I am not rich, I have never felt so bad about that.

And in one of the worst moments, most painful moments of my entire life ... I decided that I was not capable of doing enough for Tucker and he would be better off back with (Agency Lady) .

Had I not had the choice to put him in what I felt was better care, I never ever would have been able to let him go. Please please don’t think this was about money or inconvenience, that is my worst fear.

I felt my heart rip in two and cried for about 12 hours straight and well, I’m crying right now.

(Agency Lady)took Tucker to Dr. (Vet Skin Guru) ‘s the following morning and she determined that he has a bacterial infection all over his body so he’s on antibiotics for the month. She also determined that he has undetermined allergies—they could be environmental and they could be food, not sure. It will take time to figure that out.

It sounds like he may go under allergy testing, which apparently they are anesthetized for.

I am not happy that he will be doing more antibiotics and more anesthesia, but I understand now that he is fighting for his life and this is not something high quality dog food and hugs and kisses can fix.

Given that the environment he is in now is more stark and sterile than my home environment, and given that he spends a lot of time in his crate where he feels safe, and given that he adores (Agency Lady)and is in familiar surroundings over there ... It’s really, now knowing the prognosis, the best place for him. If it’s environmental, he’ll get better over there. (Agency Lady)will be more objective if his condition worses and he will get the care he needs. She will interpret things with the eyes of a more experienced person and that’s what Tucker needs.

If I kept him and he continued to deteriorate, I would blame myself a million times more than I already do.

You see, given that he’s got allergies—even if (Agency Lady)had kept him another 30 days and he was fully recovered, this may have happened ANYWAY. Given that he had that overdose of antibiotics, given that he had a broken immune system, given a million unknown and compounded factors, it just may have been inevitable. So no matter what she may say to you about this, if she does which I don’t know maybe that’s not how it works ... Just in case, please don’t blame yourself for a millisecond.

I take this time and I write all of this to you because I am so afraid of disappointing you. I am just so sorry. This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life and not one I’ll easily get over.

I have waited for the opportunity to have dog of my own for the better part of the decade. It took me so long to find Tucker and I was so grateful to you for giving me that chance. It feels like I am dropping a bomb on you, but please know this week was a bomb on me. So many optimistic emails to you that “he’s improving!” ... I feel so foolish looking back and am so very sorry.

There are parts of this email and especially the following I’m about to say that I would appreciate so much if you would keep in full confidence.

I am going to need to distance myself from (Agency Lady) with the exception of keeping posted about Tucker’s progress. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t put myself back in an emotionally devastating and stressful position. I am not even sure what that means, it is just where I’m at.

I know that you warned me not to let her bother me, but I am a sensitive person and it did. I am not strong enough to endure months ahead of more of the same if Tucker were to stay with me. Continued involvement and not ever feeling that this was “my dog” factored into my decision, I am just being honest. I would be so worried about every step or misstep and would never find a way to make peace if this does not turn around for Tucker.

I only tell you all of this so that you understand. So that you don’t feel it was a mistake to entrust me with Tucker I suppose. I want you to know that I did my very best, there is not one molecule of me that could have tried harder.

No matter how you feel about my decision, and I hope you don’t think ill of me, I will understand believe me. I am sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss something since it’s done via email rather than in person or on the phone.

Despite the fact that this was one of the hardest experiences of my life, I think (Adoption Agency) is an AMAZING ORGANIZATION and I am so grateful for what you all do. I am grateful to have met you and I am grateful to all that (Agency Lady)does.

Call me if you would like to. 907-XXX-XXXX anytime.

Please keep him in your prayers, and say one for me too if it’s not too much bother. Thank you for everything (Lady who selected me to adopt Tucker). You have been so great.

Sincerely,
(Me)

Posted by chepooka on 12/12 at 09:37 PM

Comments

What’s to say? You’re in my thoughts. People who say, “It’s just an animal” don’t really know, do they?

Posted by on 12/13 at 07:53 AM

(((hugs)))

Posted by on 12/14 at 05:26 AM

I did not know any of this was going on Taughnee. I cannot send you enough hugs and love. You have given this dog an amazing chance and you have done the absolute best for him. Your letter is so full of your love for him. I am in tears.

Love you!!!!

Posted by on 12/14 at 05:43 PM

Teary eyed am I

Posted by ole blue on 12/16 at 06:45 AM

Awww, thank you guys. I appreciate you reading all of that and for your tears and hugs and thoughts.

They are keeping me posted on him. He’s not any better, but he’s joined a gang of chihuahua and is “the bossy one” ... so glad to know he’s got little buddies over there keeping him busy.

I did the right thing. Loves to ya’ll. ((((hugs)))

Posted by chepooka on 12/17 at 06:27 PM

Any Updates?

Posted by on 12/29 at 05:49 PM

Doesn’t sound great. :(

-------Original Message-------

Date: 1/4/2008 7:40:38 PM
To: ‘Taughnee Stone’
Subject: RE: Tucker

Hi Taughnee,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to answer. He is doing fine, although his skin is not much better. I think he needs to be bathed in the special shampoo 3-4 times a week, but I haven’t been able to increase it due to the holidays. We are seeing Dr. (Skin Guru Doc) next Wednesday. I’ll let you know what she says. I hope you are continuing to do well.

_________________

Posted by chepooka on 01/04 at 11:22 PM

I hope everything works out okay! I have two Chihuahuas, and I know they are more of a family than pets. It sounds like you feel the same way. Good luck.

Posted by Katy on 07/21 at 03:45 PM