Chepooka

Reason #37 for Becoming a Vegetarian: Confusing People

There’s a cashier at the store I frequent that tends to get a little nosy sometimes. It’s usually harmless, like asking if I have a cold if I buy cough drops or something; occasionally it’s amusing:

Her: “Are you on a diet or something?”
Me: “No, why?”
Her: “You’re buying all of these health foods!”

And by health foods, she means fruits and vegetables, which are abnormal things for a human to eat in case you didn’t know.

This morning’s exchange went like this:

Her: “Chicken is on sale!”
Me: *looks around to see if she’s talking to me*
Her: “Six bucks! A whole chicken!” *goes on about the chicken and the great deal on the chicken*
Me: “Thanks, but I’m a vegetarian.”

I could have skipped the details, but why go to the trouble of being a vegetarian if you can’t be a self-congratulating, pretentious asshole sometimes?

Her face scrunched up and her eyes went wide—it was either horror, concern for my wellbeing, or she was pissing herself with embarrassment as if she’d just offered me a kitten on a stick or something. She lowered her tone and with earnestness she said, “Oh ..... I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay!”

Her: “So .....”

And this is the part where any veggie, upon revealing their vegetarianness, knows that one of two responses is coming.

Behind door number one is the diatribe about how that person could neeeeeeeever give up meat, they love meat, meat meat meat, they’re a carnivore, they couldn’t live without it, oh I just love my meat, meatitty meat meat meat!!!!!!!! They run around in circles a few times and pretend to snatch a turkey leg from out of the sky and mime their best carnivorous tear-and-chew of the air-turkey flesh.

But this morning, she chose door number two: Confusion.

Her: “… what do you eat?!”
Me: “*laughs* Well, pretty much everything except meat. So, no chicken for me!”

Now she’s gazing into space, really thinking about it you know? Bless her heart. I think she thought I had a medical condition or something, that this not-eating-meat affliction was something out of my control and she needed to understand.

Her: “… no chicken, no beef, no NOTHING?! Fish? NOTHING?!”

I could have told her the legend of the food that does not have meat in it, but I don’t think she would have believed me. So I said, “Yup!” and I clicked my heels and turned to leave her there to ponder my miracle.

Posted by chepooka on 08/22 at 08:41 AM

Comments

meatitty!!!!

“So....what DO you eat?”

Posted by mel on 08/22 at 09:52 AM

I can tell you what this vegetarian eats! All kinds of fabulous vegetables from the South Anchorage Farmers’ Market Cookbook! Check it out at http://www.SouthAnchorageFarmersMarket.com.

(OK, I admit, I wrote the cookbook. And chepooka made the website.) But in case you’re interested, you can get lots of the recipes from the cookbook on the website! Just search the recipe archives anything but “meat-meat-meat-meatitty-meat-meat!”

Posted by Alison Arians on 08/24 at 05:58 PM

LOL! Yes, I have had both doors opened, many a time. “Oh, I couldn’t live without cheese” or meat, as you pointed out.
Right now I have a gal wanting to know what she can eat if she goes vegetarian. My goodness, child, is it so hard to concieve?
Yes, yes it is. In our culture, veggies are cooked, at the very least, in beef broth. A veggie-filled stir-fry isn’t complete without chicken, beef, or pork. And whoever heard of a meatless soup? Or a cheeseless pizza?

Posted by on 08/24 at 08:48 PM

I know meat is not good for your health but I can’t spend more than a week without meat. Can you give me a suggestion how to keep away from meat? thanks

Posted by Motorcycle Fairings on 09/11 at 10:35 AM