Chepooka

I’ll just have the water … hold the staph infection, please.

I was driving down the road this morning on my way to get some coffee when the radio interrupted with a story about how food poisoning can cause health problems for you years later. That’s YEARS after the dreaded 24-hour period that occurs right after eating tainted something or other, and ends with your forehead pressed up against the toilet bowl consoling yourself, “If I don’t die from this, at least I’ll be able to fit into my skinny jeans again.”

The story went on to say how each time you get food poisoning, you should get a culture so you know exactly what critter infected you so you can keep that on file for said problems later in life.

Now they tell me?

I used to eat out quite frequently and when a person does that, odds are they’re going to get food poisoning sooner or later. I used to get food poisoning at least once a year it seemed like. That means that I ate a lot of fecal matter I suppose, doesn’t it. Pardon me while I throw up in mouth.

And I’m back.

So I drive up to get my drink and the cashier bent down to ask me a question, and I really wish she hadn’t because not only were her fingernails tattered and dirt-rimmed, her fingers were calloused and dirty and IN MY CUP WHERE THE DRINK WAS GOING TO GO.

It’s not like food workers have never skeeved me before by touching their dirty hands on my food and/or drink. If you touch money and then my food it is equivalent to a pole dancer wiping her vagina on my dinner. If you’ve ever been to a strip club, you’re right there with me on this logic.

Every time something like that happens, I practice what I “should have said” or “should have done” immediately afterward ... as if one day all of sudden I’ll become the person that has the balls to say to a complete stranger, “What the hell are you doing? Didn’t your mama teach you right? I’d like my coffee sans bacterial infection this morning thank you very much. New cup please! Chop chop!”

Instead I take the drink and fume. I was so desperate for caffeine I didn’t even throw it out, I just shrugged and said what the hell.

Then? I sit down to my desk to check email only to discover my friend sent me this!! You must watch this!!