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After hearing so much fuss and buzz about this book online and from friends who’ve started passing it around, I read Skinny Bitch yesterday afternoon (it’s a super fast read).

This book, judged solely by it’s cover, is a book written by former models, toted around by uber-skinny fashionistas, and you’re thinking what I’m thinking: “eat dust and lemon water and you’ll be all set, that’ll be $13.95 please.”

Hand to God I had no idea that this book was an argument for adopting a vegan lifestyle.  *Swear!*

It’s an entertaining read because it’s written in that voice you have in your head, for example: “You know you shouldn’t eat that dough dipped in lard, right asshole?”

People!!  It seems like the universe has been trying to tell me something lately.  I was ready to read this book I think.  I’ve gone from steak and martinis to hmmm, maybe I’ll stop eating meat to, “what would happen if I became a vegan?”

First, I meet my awesome neighbors who are veggies. They’re normal people with cute clothes and stylish haircuts and they just happen to drink rice milk rather than martinis, nachos rather than burgers.  So that got me thinking.  They don’t seem like those people—lesbians with good skin and a rolled up yoga mat tucked inside their pit, or middle-aged men that smell a little funky because they don’t use antiperspirant, with graying pony tails and t-shirts that say “Buy Local”.  Now.  Don’t misunderstand, I’m a fan.  But I just don’t happen to identify.  (Come to think of it, when I decided I was a feminist around age 20—I never did look much like my womens studies classmates but decided that giving up shaved legs and nail polish wasn’t necessary and they were gonna have to deal. hmmmm.)

Let me get back to the book, first.  In a nutshell, to be healthy, you have to give up all your vices.  Those include:

caffeine
alcohol (with the exception of organic, no-sulfites-added wine)
cigarettes
meat
dairy
aspertame (bye bye diet pepsi)

Uh, check please!

I no longer smoke, got it.  I’ve already cleared my pantry of products containing hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup and I survived.  I can live without eating farm animals, done.  But the rest is going to be a challenge.

First, I am going to chip away at ridding aspertame.  That’s going to be a hard one because I’m addicted to diet pepsi, but I know I need to do it.  In fact I’ve done it before and I feel so much better.  But if I do that?  I’ll have to keep coffee. 

I can give up dairy and eggs.  This one is going to be super super hard, but luckily there are substitutes.

What I won’t give up, though, is fish.  I live in Alaska see.  And I get 100% of my fish straight from the people who catch them.  I know where they come from, I know that they don’t languish and suffer, that they come from clean waterways.  I might even partake in venison, which also comes straight from the people who hunt them.  I grew up in that culture, in a family where respect for animals and hunting and fishing were not mutually-exclusive.

Now, here’s the dilemma.  I don’t want to go around being all high and mighty and pure because I’m making sacrifices based on ethical considerations and then not have a label.  I think that deserves a label! 

I remember once in college I had a spanish teacher, and she told us en espanol that she was a veg, only, she did eat animals that she caught herself.  Like, she loved frog legs.  The crazy woman caught her own frogs and cooked them up for dinner.  There has to be a special label for that.

Vegetarians and vegans want those labels to *mean something* and I totally, 100% respect that.  I can’t say I’m a vegan if I eat fish, they’d probably sooner hunt me and eat me for dinner than eat a big mac.  (mmmm, big mac)

You’re an asshole if you live your life as a hypocrite, I won’t do it.  I will be making some changes, though.  To be continued ...

I got my canvas grocery bags today.  They had them at the local grocery for $.99 each so I got me 4 of ‘em.  They hold a TON of stuff, I was shocked.  I will probably buy a whole bunch more to give to family and friends, ‘cause I’m preachy and “If I’m doing it you must too” like that.

Also, get a load of the food I just bought.  All from the crunchy-granola section!  I even bought soy cheese!!

I may be curious about becoming a vegetarian, but doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly stop eating convenience food, yo. 

Also, please take note of the vitamin pack.  A dear old friend of mine dropped by at our request so she could tell us about this new business she’s involved with.  Yes, it’s a multi-level marketing scheme and yes, I’m aware that I’m becoming a vegetarian AND one of those people all in the same week.  But ok, so I took the “PM” vitamins and I’ve never slept so good in as long as I can remember.  I have a REALLY hard time with sleep, hopeless insomniac.  I sometimes take melatonin which helps, but I don’t feel quite right about doing that every single day.  And I won’t take sleeping pills for various reasons.  Anyway, great night sleep.  Then, the “AM” pills got me going in the morning, I’ve felt SO GREAT today.  Serious.

So Brian is going to attend the training session this weekend to see what it’s all about.  I don’t think I’d be any good at multi-level marketing considering I don’t have much contact with humans, but Brian is so that guy.  Considering that it’s new (everyone knows if you get in early that’s when you can actually make money with these things), and considering that I’m wanting to buy these vitamins anyway, why the hell not?

I am getting to the point, also, where I feel the need to stop apologizing for everything I do that’s slightly off the beaten path of what society (the folks who brought you mastercard debt, global warming and heart disease) deems “normal”. 

If I’m to become a skinny, healthy bitch who looks 30 when she’s 40, with money in the bank and the ability to travel the world on a whim, then I’m going to have to take some chances, make some changes, and try new things.

I really wish I hadn’t clicked this link, that shows the ill-treatment of animals on big production farms because as you know, I’m trying really hard not to become a vegetarian.

Also?  I have always been of the belief that PeTA People are C to the R to the AZY.  I’m for the ethical treatment of animals, don’t get me wrong. I’ve always been against animal testing in the cosmetics industry, I pay the extra dollar to get the free-range eggs, my dog sleeps on a bed of velvet pillows. 

But how can you take an organization seriously when it’s fronted by Boobala Anderson? 

It’s not just that, it’s that they’ve always appeared to me to be extremists who value animal rights more than human rights.  But maybe I was wr-wr-wrong.  Truth is, I knew that some crazy shit went on at those big production farms, I just didn’t want to think about it.  Now, this, combined with the cow farts causing global warming thing, GAH!  *hands over ears as I sing Mary had a Little Lamb*

I got about half way into that video and I almost passed out.  “Ok, ok, I’ll stop eating meat, I’ll stop!!  Stop this, just stop dismembering the cow ALIVE PLEAAAAAASE!!!!!!”

I’m going to become one of those people, aren’t I?  SHIT!!!!!!!!! 

For the love of Christ I win the idiot of the day award.

I’ve been paying for AOL for eight. years. 

Since the invention of broadband many moons ago, I haven’t used it to access the internet.  But, I had billions of things tied to my longstanding email account so that was the main reason I just turned a blind eye to that recurring bill each month. 

A couple of years ago I began the process of pointing everything important to my business/permanent email account, and to train people (who to this DAY still email me on that old account despite repeated warnings) to email me at one of my active addresses.

Anyway.  Skip to AOL announcing that you can keep your email FO’ FREE (yeah I know, that was eons ago) and I was all about putting ‘cancel AOL’ on my to-do list.  Where it remained.  It slipped, and slipped, and slipped down to the bottom of every day’s to-do list. 

You see, also?  I heard and read about all these HORROR STORIES about people having a hell of a time freeing themselves from the clutches of the evil empire.  Supposedly it took one guy like 5 hours, FIVE.  I am not good with the phone for five minutes.  And then the “seventeen steps to canceling AOL” or something.  Reading the manual to my cell phone never happened, I can barely figure out how to make an outgoing call.  Think I’m going to read STEPS for THAT? 

A cursory investigation suggested that it probably WAS going to be a big huge pain in the ass, I couldn’t find phone numbers or contact information (hint, keyword: cancel ... HELLO?!!!)

And so it stayed. 

On my to-do list.

Until today. 

I felt the need to break out my RED PEN OF ACCOMPLISHMENT and strike something off my list.  I called AOL.  It took approximately five minutes to not only cancel my account, but to find out that I can still use AOL for absolutely positively everything that I was using it for all these years. 

YEARS.

For. 

FREE.

I counted up exactly how much my idiocracy cost me, lets just say those shoes I’m always telling myself I can’t afford?  Or that designer purse?  Or that weekend in Seattle? 

I am blogging this not to convince you that I’m a moron, you already know that.  But so that somebody can climb the ranks of google and skip over the stupid, stupid lies about needing to cash in a sick day to deal with AOL to get them to cancel an account.  Just not true. 

They were courteous, efficient, not too pushy, and it wasn’t painful in the slightest. 

Oh and if I hadn’t made it clear?  I KNOW, realize, am aware ... that I am an idiot.

A couple of years ago I bought a really nice Dell to replace the one I bought 5 or so years ago.  Unfortunately, it had some weird conflict with Adobe CS2, which, for all intents and purposes, rendered said computer virtually useless to me—I live and work in photoshop and illustrator.  Bottom line, I tried everything known to man to fix the conflict, including hiring 4 different techs to try to figure it out to no avail.  Dell blamed Adobe, Adobe blamed Dell, so forget warranty. 

I’ve not used it much since, which frustrates the hell out of me.  I’ve had to wait to buy a new one because in the meantime, I had to eat, live, buy a home, such things. 

It’s time, though, for me to upgrade.  For years I’ve wanted to convert to Mac but could never afford it.  It’s more than the cost of the system after all—it’s all the “stuff”.  I figured after the last fiasco, I can’t really afford not to buy a top-of-the-line system either.  And if I’m ever going to do it, now is the time.  I trotted down to the Mac store to ask a whole boatload of questions about what would happen to me if I convert my business from PC to mac. 

There was some serious drooling going on, I won’t lie.  These machines are sleek; very, very sexy.  The 24” monitor was in a word, beautiful.  I didn’t even finish my introduction to the sales clerk before I made a beeline to it.  I asked about fonts, he couldn’t answer.  I have a lot of $$$ invested in these types of things.  In fonts, icons, stock imagery, stuff I’ve collected over the years.  I can’t lose that.  The software is the other thing.  Adobe CS3 is like $1,800. 

I really wanted to find a way to buy a Mac.  I tried.  But if I were to get exactly what I wanted, in my dreamworld, I calculated that it would cost me about $8,000.  I can’t afford that.  I could finance it I suppose, and I didn’t end the conversation there, but then the kicker—if something were to happen to my shiny new mac, even under warranty, I would have had to take it in to their shop for repair.  “It’s only a 7-day turnaround!” the Mac guy says.  I can’t be without my business for 7 days, this IS my business. 

At least when something happens on my PC, I have backup computers AND, any Tom, Dick or Harry in town can fix a PC, there are options. 

I took the spec sheet home with me, felt a little sad that it probably wasn’t going to happen.  I would never be one of those cool, hip mac people. 

I went to the Dell site and put together my “dream computer”—which included a 30” monitor.  All total, it will cost me about $5,000 less than my mac dream computer.  I’m thinking this is not a bad consolation prize.  I will need to buy a bigger desk for this, though. 

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